Revised March 2008.
Pamela, you are sensitive to the needs of animals, and you care enough to fight for your beliefs. So you are already way ahead of the pack!
The problem is you are not sensitive and smart!
You could graduate from the PeTA Kindergarten of Sensitivity with flying colors. But that hardly prepares you for the College of the Real World!
Sensitive and smart choices are what distinguish true animal lovers (or conservationists or environmentalists) from those who are exploiting you, filling you with hate propaganda and nonsense.
Here's how you measure up today. Let's kick ass next semester, Pam!
HAIR: 1 out of 5.
Assuming that the bleach you use is hydrogen peroxide, you earn one point because this is now so well established as a hair treatment that we're sure it is no longer tested on animals.
You lose the other four points because you don't acknowledge the historical role played by animals in ensuring your bottle of bleach doesn't make you bald.
CHEST: 1 out of 5.
A woman is faced with two choices: leaving her breasts as nature intended them, or enhancing them with the addition of silicone bags. We will not judge you for wanting larger breasts, but have you thanked the animals who tried them out first? Or the animals sacrificed in the development of the surgical techniques and anaesthetics involved so you didn't die on the operating table?
And earn an extra point next semester by promising to get cremated when your time comes. You'll be polluting the atmosphere, but it's the only way to get rid of those things.
CLOTHING: 0 out of 10.
Ten points ride on this choice because it's a big deal. After feeding ourselves, clothing is one of the largest impacts humans have on the planet.
Recognizing that in the narrowest possible sense, pleather is animal-friendly, earns you one point. No animals are directly killed in making your figure-hugging bodices. Kudos!
You miss out on the other nine available points because if everyone wore pleather, we'd have an environmental disaster on our hands. Petroleum products like pleather are not sustainable, are not biodegradable, and are associated with pollution. Leather, on the other hand, is biodegradable, sustainable, and makes good use of a by-product of human food production.
And now we're going to take away the one point you just received for ... how can we put this delicately ... stupidity! You thought Ugg boots were made from "kindly shaved" sheep? How exactly does that work?
LIPS: 1 out of 5.
Your permanent pucker deserves full points because it's just so cute! But heh, an animal rightist with collagen injections makes for a bitter-sweet kiss!
TATTOOS: 5 out of 10.
Well, really we're not talking tattoos here. We're talking medical treatment for the Hep C you may or may not have contracted from a tattooist's needle. And the role of animals in drug testing is another big choice we all make, so there's another ten points riding on this.
You earn a solid five points for sticking to your guns and rejecting drugs tested on animals. But you lose five points for idiocy. Interferon is the treatment you need, and as the mother of two children, the choice should be a no-brainer!
(In fairness, you are going to lose five points on this one whatever you do. Refuse interferon and you're an idiot, take it and you're a hypocrite.)
COSMETICS: 2 out of 5.
We're going to cut you some slack here because we haven't found any evidence indicating your cosmetics are not made entirely from plants. Hence the two points.
But since the only people we know of who wear plant dyes on their faces live in the Amazon jungle, we're deducting the other three points. If you don't have any animal extracts smeared on your lips and eyes, and you still manage to look so great, how come no one uses the Pamela line of cosmetics?
And oh yeah, to earn more points next semester, start by acknowledging that the ingredients in "cruelty-free" cosmetics may not currently be tested on animals by the cosmetics industry, but sure as the sun rises each day, they have all been tested on animals at some time by someone.
DIET: 8 out of 10.
There's nothing wrong with being a vegetarian, or a vegan for that matter. Or a meat-eater. Just be sure you know why you've made that choice.
We're awarding you a fat eight points here because, to the best of our knowledge, you have not tried to force your vegetarian diet on others. In a world where a diversity of food choices is key to ensuring our survival, Kid Rock needs to keep eating his steaks to balance out all your soy burgers!
But you lose the remaining two points because you simply cannot, in good conscience, promote the PeTA cause while continuing to eat dairy products and/or eggs. Make a choice Pam. Are you a PeTAphile or a vegetarian?
LOVE LIFE: 0 out of 5.
Heh, this is really none of our business! We're sorry it didn't work out with meat-eatin', leather-wearin' Kid, and wish you luck with Paris-pokin' Rick.
But we have to deduct points anyhow! Lose two points for allegedly denying Kid sex for a week if he so much as looked at a piece of fur. And lose the other three points for serving pig in a blanket, tuna and lobster at your latest wedding reception!
FINAL SCORE: 18 out of 55.
Congratulations Pam! With such a score, you can graduate with honors from the PeTA Kindergarten of Sensitivity! Or qualify for Grade 1 entry to the College of the Real World.